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about me dianne is also known as di, didi, diana, dina, diane (french), cara (spanish), chiaki (japanese), phoebe, pheebs, cbphoebe (yahoo!), kansilay (yahoo!), lilasia (in most accounts), lilpnai (in ebay), beldaran (irc), asia martinez, stella rodriguez, etc.... ^^; she supposedly resembles miyazawa yukino and shibahime tsubasa. ^^; archive: past entries my pages |
.penny for your thoughts?. <--->
sunday, december 16, 2001 12:21 a.m.
being an unorganized person, i'm gonna take care of the second point first. =p basically, i think i just failed accounting. ~_~ i've been pulling an average of 70% between two midterms and one paper.. which is just passing for an accounting major.. i'm required to have a 2.0 in that class to pass on to four more required classes.. i got my second paper back.. 71%.. looking alright.. holding my 2.0.. then i got the test.. oh, my GOODNESS.. i'd studied for days on end on that.. and rememorized and recited all the account transactions before the test.. and when i looked at the test... everything got mixed up and i forgot the account names.. -_- i knew how many accounts were affected, and how.. just couldn't remember their names.. so i couldn't write anything.. >_< which brings me to the question, what the hell am i gonna do now? i've been aiming for this for 9 years... so much planning, so much work.. all out the window.. i can't repeat the class.. i'm praying and begging for mercy.. by some chance hope, i might actually just make it.. but i'm only sure of 20% of the test.. ~_~ i'm in trouble.. i waited for a guy for 3 years to no avail, please don't tell me it's the same with my career.. and as i sank into depression, the sun shined oh so brightly.. there was an information systems final scheduled at 2:30.. essentially, i had a choice as to when i want to take it.. thursday at 5:30, friday at 2:30 or monday at 10:30.. our scheduled one was friday.. i decided, heck, i've got 4 hours, i might be able to pull something.. the hints were all on the website anyway and we could take one sheet of paper's worth of notes.. so i went up to the comp lab, installed irc to ramble on about my misery for a while, and type some notes.. i felt kinda bad cuz he was having a good day.. and i wasn't.. as i looked down on the green green grass and the freshly washed walkways under the bright blue sky with the sun up at its peak and shining down on me through the windows, i felt like doing something drastic.. i was hoping to talk myself out of it.. so i kept talking.. really, though, i just need to talk about it.. it usually passes after a few hours.. but i was going just near crazy.. this was my major i'm losing.. how the hell am i supposed to face my mother? my family? all of the other people who expected so much of me? what am i gonna do with a japanese major? >_< it was going alright.. but i guess he just couldn't take it.. =p he always quits when he gets upset.. and i'm guessing he was getting frustrated cuz i wasn't feeling any better.. he was like this with that one girl he hates, too.. everyday she would come on, depressed, wanting to kill herself, and she talked to all of us.. he thinks she should help herself and there's no use for being that depressed and taking everybody down and she's probably faking.. i don't fault him.. but i know what he hates.. and that's exactly what i was.. then he comes back like nothing happened.. whatever.. like i said i'm mood swingy.. i'll just keep my depressed side to myself then.. passed the test in 30 minutes flat, and headed for UW bookstore.. poring over postcards.. had to pick myself up some.. wanted to write some short letters on the pretty pretty postcards.. 2 hours passed before i realized the showing was about to start.. i was planning on going home already, but i told jess i'd meet her there.. so i was gonna wait and go home early.. but then i got caught up watching nausicaa so i just stayed 'til the end.. and then later, i was just going to leave the club early, but they wanted to stay.. ^^; which was fine by me.. i was feeling better. a lot better.. i had talked it out and let it dwell for a few hours.. i get home and the first thing i get is yelled at for irresponsibility.. hey, we returned the dvds.. i asked my cousin if she checked to make sure everything was in there, and she said they were so i just kinda took her and we returned it.. ~_~ and i was tired and my mom wanted me to drive back out?? usually when i get home at night, i don't go out anymore cuz i'm tired.. and she wanted me to leave my house at midnight?? she yelled at me on and on about irresponsibility, about not being a good family member, and if i was like that, what am i supposed to do with my life? ~_~ i was already beating myself up for that earlier during the day.. thinking i hadn't done enough, i didn't need more of it.. but it went on and on and on.. eventually i just went to sleep.. i was too tired.. and i had a final in the morning.. (in actuality, i hear she had another fight with my uncle.. ~_~ she really likes to take it out on us.. it's making me tired..) in the morning, i sat there just kinda talkin' cuz i was feeling better.. i had done a bit of studying; japanese is easy.. and he makes a side-comment.. one that insinuates the same issues, which i didn't need to hear about 'til at least a while more.. and that just kinda hit too close to everything beating down on me.. >_< i let that go.. it was too silly.. but it did kinda hurt.. but then i came home later.. and he makes another comment... oh, well.. fine.. i go to church, take my mom out to dinner.. she liked the present, btw.. though she kept asking if it made me poor.. ~_~ why does she keep asking me the price of her presents? it's a present.. she's not supposed to know~ (my cousin and i chipped in to get her diamond earrings, btw.. really pretty..) went to tony roma's, which was FULL for the first time i've ever been there.. (been going there for almost 5 years?) we hadn't been there in a while and it's one of my mom's fave restaurants.. so we went.. and then we come home.. i tried to be as cheery as possible.. was starting to feel better.. but.. just mentioned as a side note that i'm weird.. a little off, a little cold.. but i could almost swear he only appears to make side comments about me.. ~_~ i know he's just teasing, but they were all piling up.. hit another one after i'm starting to stop thinking about the previous one.. i've passed it off, but thought lingers oft times.. anywayz... i know he was just teasing, but it's one of those things that build up.. and i'm just really really really annoyed, and can't talk.. i don't think it's because i don't want him to tease me again.. =p arguing and teasing's fine with me.. but i'm probably mostly ashamed of the fact that i'm stupid.. but no, i'm not taking full responsibility for this.. i'm not sorry for being mad and annoyed and immature... i'm just sorry it has to be that low level of stupid.. in any case, i've always had 2 plans to go about it.. i used to have a one-week rule when i was in high school if i got upset with somebody, i can (a) grumble for a few minutes then eventually smooth it over, which has the consequence of changing my possible attitude towards them.. slight consequence, though.. doesn't happen often.. or (b) implement one-week rule.. they don't know about the rule.. it just means i avoid them like the plague for the whole week, until i can tide it over...
komaru na... oh, well.. ragnarok FINALLY came out, and everybody's gonna be involved in it.. probably gonna take them a while to figure out i'm not around.. wonder how long i can hold out.. or how long before they do..
i was feeling extra better, too.. after the really nice talk i had with claire.. never really thought she could say such things that could possibly change what i think for now.. people always tell you that of course you're needed in the world.. and that things wouldn't be the same without you... but do they really.. for now claire's changed my thoughts.. though what she's mentioned to me are my own selfish reasons.. including loving attention, i guess... i've never really been sure i was made for this world...
oh, well... making mom watch 10th kingdom now.. and she seems to be fine.. and i'm fine.. a little melancholy, but perfectly fine.. don't know why i'm talking too much again.. ^^; i'm so random, huh?
on another note.. a friend imparted a thought on feelings to me today... makes me wonder about any other involved parties.. but i'm not gonna ask.. things like these, i never ask and let them tell me instead.. not good to pry, ne? ^^; i wonder if i'll ever find out..
.penny for your thoughts?.
<--->
thursday, december 6, 2001 08:30 p.m.
FIRST: somebody put my alarm on mute during the night
SECOND: missed first class, which has an in-class assignment
THIRD: couldn't skip japanese to make up for it, cuz i've already missed 2 japanese classes to make way for my other 2
FOURTH: somebody went on a cleaning frenzy and put my disks away and threw away my homework -_-
FIFTH: was running late for bus and when i got there, what should happen but my bag bursts open scattering ALL my papers all over the place... was REALLY windy
SIXTH: i MISSED the bus while collecting my papers together
SEVENTH: those assignments were worth as much as ALL of my other assignments for the quarter COMBINED
EIGHTH: with all the work i have to do to gain at least partial credit, i'm gonna miss vampire hunter d: bloodlust tonight.. last showing...
NINTH: bob's putting on one of my pet peeves for an attitude -_-
yes, trouble comes in 3's.. and i just had 3 sets of them to guarantee a bad day.. i need a drink.. >_< actually, since it's already so late, i think i'll finish dinner, sleep, then wake up in about 5 hours to make up for the lost assignments... <sigh>
.penny for your thoughts?.
<--->
thursday, december 6, 2001 12:31 a.m.
waaaah... went to kino's today and there were no new phonebooks... o.O which is a good thing on my wallet but makes me anxious, cuz december is phonebook rush month.. i want all their calendar furoku. XD btw, they wrap presents for free there and they're pretty good with it, too. ^^;
i've come to a relevation... the how-many people i've known who've been interested in me have been pisces.. -_- except for one possible one who was a saggitarius and another one i wasn't sure of, but i'd lay bets he was also a pisces.. i seem to attract dreamers.. ^^; which, by the way, is definitely not a bad thing.. gotta wonder, though.. btw, out of the blue last night, i suddenly started thinking that even though i've said to look elsewhere, i'd feel quite lonely - and maybe even jealous - if he ever finds another girl.. i'm quite an attention hog, i guess, and i definitely wouldn't be able to get what little time i have now.. funny, huh? ^^;
and continuing on with my random blather about life in general, i've found myself trolling message boards again... >_< thank goodness i'm only trolling 2 right now.. (though i don't think it's fair i get to charge toll if i'm gonna be a board troll. XP) i haven't done any serious trolling since the days of animevillage in yahoo! clubs.. where we scared eric by being our normal post-happy-trigger-happy selves.. and what has this brought me? FURTHER ADDICTION. i'm gonna post the link just because i don't want to be the only nut absolutely addicted to it: http://www.input-entertainment.de/laser/laser.html. playing an average of 2-3 hours a night, i'm now on level 23.. though 1-16 were a piece of cake.. i guess i really do like these kinds of games...
speaking of games, i think i need to "study" final fantasy.. i can't really just play it cuz i really suck at those games, but i'll have to learn up more about them.. maybe even attempt to play the final fantasy 7 for pc that rommel lent me 2 years ago... o.O and i was going to return it already, too! but might as well give it a spin, eh?
anywayz, finished my sunbeam paper! yay! more about it tomorrow i guess; i'm starting to get really dizzy... ^^;
ja~
.penny for your thoughts?.
<--->
sunday, december 2, 2001 06:34 p.m.
the world disappeared while i was asleep today.. i fell asleep while studying again.. which is annoying.. i haven't had straight study time all weekend.. slept at 6:30am on saturday morning (taryn went home at 3), woke up at 5pm.. next thing you know i was asleep again at 9:30pm and waking up at 2am.. i determined i was going to stay awake and study from then on.. but noooo... i fell asleep again at 2:30pm and woke up just now.. i'm never gonna get my paper done... ~_~ in any case, i woke up. and i realized that all the lights in the house were turned off.. and my cousin and my mom were gone.. and i started to wonder if it was 6 PM.. i ran to the nearest clock set for military time.. which is my computer... and what did i find, but myself all alone on irc.. o.O (i turned off my comp with irc on full screen, being the irc junkie that i am)... but as it turns out, there had been a netsplit.. but when i logged on, the people were there, but it seemed as if they were barely there.... i'm stil hovering on belief and disbelief, but at least they're there... ne? ^^;
fairly interesting night last night as jiyu and i discussed the workings of the universe.. ^^; well, i would describe it as such, i suppose. debating my beliefs in God... problem with that is that even though i may not go along with every single edict given to me by the Church, i believe i am Catholic and i believe in the Catholic God.. our God who loves us all.. questioning my belief in God for about an hour and my belief in people.. let it be noted that we both acknowledge a difference between trust and belief.. it was a fairly interesting debate.. though he says that's gonna be the key to manipulating me.. my stubbornness in my faith. i'm not sure how that's gonna work yet, but we'll see.. i'm a fairly adaptable person, who accepts a lot of things and finds interest in a diverse assortment of ideas... and the more diverse your investments, the less susceptible you are to stock changes in varying areas of the stock market... heh. i try not to change my friends' beliefs either.. it's much nicer listening to them talk about what they believe even if i don't believe it for myself.. smile and go along.. much more harmonious.. by the way, was it the taoists who said something like, "one must bend like grass in the wind for it is easier to fell a tree than uproot grass from the soil"? or something like that... maybe it was just "one must bend like grass in the wind".. lol. but i digress..
i was going through the horoscopes again last night, along with the compatibilities.. quite interesting it was.. plexies pointed me to jonathan cainer's zodiac forecasts... and it was kinda funny.. cuz it described how i deal with a particular star sign almost word-for-word.. lol. just too much of a coincidence... described me fairly well, too.. but you know generalizations.. there are several billion people on the planet, and if we only had 12 personalities, well... though it seems to be a good way to generalize, ne? heh.
on the question of existence, i actually found a good quote from quoteland.
in other news, watching the first and last episodes of hero (with kimutaku and matsu takako) as well as investigating a company's 10-k for possible illegal conduct while you're having weird sleeping patterns.. gets interesting... i feel like everything this weekend has been meshed together.. and i started having dreams about working with kimutaku and actually suing sunbeam... bleah.. anywayz... i'm sitting here on a sunday, and i've barely started on anything... again.. -_- this is not good...
well, back to work i go..
.penny for your thoughts?.
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saturday, december 1, 2001 06:08 p.m.
horoscope for the day:
.penny for your thoughts?.
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monday, november 19, 2001 09:17 p.m.
do i exist? am i real? am i really here? or am i just reading a never-ending story i'm not a part of? i'm tired of having to forever check to see if i'm actually where i think i am, because i seem to be a constant figure... everybody thinks i'm going to stay somewhere forever, like a forgotten lamp post in the street... but even lamp posts break and even the light goes out.. but even if the light is out, it'll still be there until something moves it.. i'm not quite so reliable, but it's tiring... i really have to stop depending on people for my emotions. it doesn't bring me anything. but it's hard when you're in a group setting, ne? cuz it's hard not to care. or to not try to appear nice, because i'm not really mean.. even when i'm being anti-social.. maybe i should pull out of the group setting for a while.. or the friend setting.. because even my friends don't seem to be the friends i thought i had... and my best friends really aren't my best friends.. two years from now, i might be able to graduate. then maybe i can be by myself, alone. at least then, i know i'm alone because it's self-imposed. i won't be alone because of other people. i'll be alone because of me. clustered into my own existence like i always thought i'd be with no one else around, buried in my books and my stories and my illusions of a world... and then perhaps i can transcend above emotion and self... and let the wind have me...
.penny for your thoughts?.
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