being oxymoronic isn't all it's cut up to be. i'm usually happy enough being oxymoronic because even though my personality comes from both ends of the spectrum (one of them being too optimistic and too pessimistic), i achieve a balance somewhere. but sometimes i just tear at myself i suppose. i have no problems being optimistic/pessimistic. i have no problems with my outlook in life, i suppose. but every once in a while i catch myself. i catch my attitudes, my behavior. when all of a sudden i realize i'm sick of myself. am i being myself?

if i am, i'd just have to bluntly say that i don't like myself much right now. i'm not as strong as i used to be, as i want to be. my resolve is weak. it's as easy to lie to myself as it is to trip upon my hurdles. i can't tell if i'm being myself even. am i being a good friend? i don't know. i can't tell. why am i so weak in spirit? i don't know. i want to know. maybe i can rebuild myself. and though i've accepted that i'm not as athletic or physically as strong since my hold-back in fifth grade, i've tried to be the other type of girl. what redeeming qualities could i gain but by being a maria clara? in some ways i wish i could be the perfect good girl. be like a child. sweet and simple. why do i want so much attention? why do i do the things i do? why do i feel the way i do? i could have been the nice, soft, gentle girl. blah. right now i think "flirt", "slut". why am i like this? i'm not a flirt, right? and if i am, i don't mean to be so blatant... if i am. i suppose if i'm gonna flirt, i might as well know so i won't disapprove of my own actions later on. -_- but i don't even know what i'm doing. i'm seriously not right now... i think. right now, i don't feel like wearing a skirt or a dress anymore. maybe i want to be noticed, but the lewd comments i receive can't be unfounded, right? are my clothes all that skimpy? i'm trying not to be. really. i can't help but feel like i'm being a slut. so useless. so unloveable. so... awfully bad. i guess i've been vain. and i've been told so. and i don't want to be vain. (and yet here i am endlessly talking about myself.) i don't want to be so selfish. i just want... i just want to be. i want to be me, who, i hope, am qualified to love and be loved. be like a child. children are loved... right? and though i can't have the love that i yearn for (and no i'm not desperate either) i guess i just want a genuine hope that i think maybe only i can give myself... but not when i'm being like this..

but i guess i don't want to be perfect either. i want to share joy, pain, experiences... without being such a damned fool. i want to... there's so many things i want and want to be... but for now i've thought myself out... i'm a little tired... and contemplating a person who's not really on top of my favorite people list right now (me) is not making me feel better i suppose... ah well..

in the end i'm full of many questions... most of them starting with a "why"... and not all of them are about me.. but i will not speak of things best left alone.. i think. perhaps for now, appearing selfish is best. let me beat up on myself first.. before i beat up on how i relate with others...

"who am i?!" she called out, for she knew he could not answer, would not answer, will never answer while she stood several miles from the nearest being that could understand her words. "who am i!?" she called out, insistent despite the isolation and separation she had sought.

she lifted her words, lifted her face, lifted her being hoping to raise her heart above her chest, her head.. high high high up into boundless emptiness.. as she was filled, consumed, wanting to consume, wanting to fill, spreading, expanding, feeling as though she embraced the world in indescribable expression. she felt and did not hear, could not hear, any longer.

"you are you. you are human. you are alone. you are ours. be one with us. delight in us. enter our gentle carress and soar into the heavens. shed thy tears and relieve thy pain of caging in benevolent intent the broken wing that wants to fly. shed it all and be one with us. as you always have. as you still can."

her stomach tingled and urged her forward, one step and then the other, until she went faster and faster, a dizzying game of which would be ahead, a competition as to which would reach farther, faster, would step on which patch, laughing amused that she could not stop herself, laughing amused that she had not thought to start, laughing amused at the craziness of her actions, the feelings not only expanding but escaping, expanding faster than her steps, faster than her thoughts, faster than the growing pit of despair that made salty tears accompany her soaring thoughts and wild laughter, listening to stories of what has been and what will be and what had been for others that could have been for her. she chased the ebbing tides, teasing, playing, escaping, laughing. until she stumbled upon a rock that brought her back to earth.

she had soared she had flown she had released she had opened. but still she was covered in the dirt she had picked up from working, from playing, from tumbling about the grass, taunting, wrestling, playfully teasing, from the mud and murky waters she had played with and splashed about, the mudcakes she had made, had shaped, had offered, thinking nothing but play and mischief and fun and enjoyment until she realized that you could not eat mudcakes, that there were better things to serve, that there were... many other things she had not thought of, expected, realized, known.

and she thought some more bewildered as they continued to tell her of many other things, the stories of life and living, the stories of comfort and pain. but today she could not listen to the stories as she has always done. today she could not stand the dirt that clung to her. today she could not come to shed away. today.. today was a day of days. of days gone by, of days foretold, of days expected, of days unrealized, of days that just could not be seized. carpe diem or so they say but had they been as wary of the price to pay.

something else, she thought, something else. the rain will not be enough to wash me, purge me, lift me as only they had known. now that she was empty...

but empty is not enough, never meant enough. empty will become an aching waiting to be filled... once more.

and she stood slowly, decisively, the hems of her dress grazing the ground, picking up sand, brushing her foot, and she stepped onto the waves she'd teased, chased, escaped, stepped into it, sinking, falling, as she dove far and deep into the water pressing her down, lifting her up, taking her far far away into a calm existence, the currents her guide, in the world myths have described to entice and claim the sailors upon her breast as they fall in love with her call, her nature, all that she is... taking the girl as well as she floated she existed the dirt washing away and sinking down down down to the bottom of the seas, joining the treasures, the forbidden pleasures, the dangerous creatures, the barely lifeless forms. until she was light enough to swim for the surface to emerge afresh anew looking forward to building sand castles instead of mudcakes, a new regard a new feeling a flow a calmness accorded to her after her reckless abandon... she floated along, bathing in calmness.

"you are ours. we shall take care of you. come and worry not for you shall always have us when you think you have naught but self. from us you came from us you may find peace abandoning all."

she smiled. a simple acceptance. a gentle embrace. soon she will step out again onto the sand ready to be greeted back to play once more with newfound delight............

"it need not matter who you are to others... for you are simply you. and someday someone will give you an answer that will carry you higher and deeper than we have and you shall play a new game."

now you tell me a story... don't ask me for exactly what i'm talking about, lol. i sat at work and started typing and kept typing... even i'm not sure about every element of this story yet...

oh goodness gracious... --; super mario brothers: hit 80's video game, or subtle communist propaganda campaign? what next? (i can't believe somebody had the time to think this through and edit it XD)

on another note, i'm not surprised that there's a fake fifth book of harry potter being generated in china... ^^;; when the populace is demanding a story and it's either been cut or long-awaited, it seems it's gonna get published.. whether some people like it or not.. i remember when several fake copies of huan zhu ge ge were said to be floating around china.. and qiong yao issued the statement that she hasn't written one yet.. probably another reason why she's doing a third part to the series... on top of fan demand.. but xiao yin zi and wu ah ge aren't even gonna be in it *pout* ah well.. i wanna watch it anyway.. i wanna watch sword girl too.. though i cringe at the amount of 6-hr tapes it took susan to tape the whole series >_<;; and i can't borrow from suz cuz it's in vietnamese... @_@ i at least have a passing chance with chinese... ^^;; (and i like it better in the original mandarin.. shhhhh.) one advantage to vietnamese though is i can sit at her house and make her and her sisters translate it to me.. XD though they spend half of their time laughing instead of explaining sometimes XD (*clueless*) i guess it's just that funny.... XD

oh and i took that gravi test.... XD

You're fiercely loyal to the people that matter the most to you - no matter how unusual they turn out to be. You're gifted, smart and can play one mean instrument, but you're fairly good at pranks if you have the mind to. You have principles to uphold, and you stick by them when the going gets tough. You're the ideal concept of a best friend - and most times you don't even know it. Which Gravitation Character Are You?

love me
delight in me
spite me
hate me

as long as you answer me truthfully:
who am i?

if i could fall into the sky
do you think time would pass us by
cuz you know i'd walk a thousand miles
if i could just see you... tonight

i'm getting sentimental in my old age, lol. XD j/k. the song made me want to cry yesterday... on the verge of tears.. because of what it reminded me of... that day and date and february that for some reason i can't forget... and i'm pretty good at convincing myself to forget about certain things... ^^; it's not as much "who" yesterday.. cuz i don't perceive anything but friendship now... as well as the thought of something else... but maybe it was more of the thought that this song -- as well as the other two that started playing on the radio that february week -- made me think that i would never sing it for somebody.. lol. which might be a good thing. i sing off-key. heehee.

other than that little crack of my sanity, i've been fairly good. took the day off cuz the car had to be taken to the toyota dealer to have the engine checked. took jica back to uw.. passing through her place so she could get dressed up all pretty-pretty. ^^ and came home just in time for the insurance agents to start calling. o.O apparently the other girl had called to file a claim first... so there was the whole recorded statement/questioning thing with all-state.. then with geico (minus "recorded")... then the car.. and the mess-up of who was gonna pick my sister up from orientation.. ^^; but many many phone calls... including a prank one. --;;

me: hello?
phone: hello, are mr. and mrs. dimaboy.. boy... boy.. yo? there?
me: i'm sorry they're out at the moment. may i take a message?
phone: oh no that's alright. who is this i'm talking to?
me: this is her daughter... may i know who's calling please?
phone: oh this is david. i'm just actually really bored right now. can we talk? how old are you?
me: i'm sorry i have to go.
phone: come on. why are you scared?
me: i really have to go.
phone why are you scared?
me: i really have to go. i have to pick my sister up.
phone: oh really? ok then bye.

i was already hanging up the phone... but phone etiquettes prevented me from directly hanging up --; start out formal, end formal.. damn. i usually ask who they are first, but i caught myself offguard. blah. weirdos... seriously.. reminds me of when my friend and i used to call random ppl in the philippines when i was 12. XD bleah.

but suz came to pick me up... and we went to circuit city and best buy and old navy and b&n and blah.. lol. we closed out most of the stores. XD but i saw lots of stuff i want... =_= stay away, dianne... stay away... don't really need those right now... >_<;;

i didn't get to play in the sun though... the sun was being fickle yesterday... came out for brief.. very brief... moments. even if i'd caught a bus and taken a joyride through town in the sunlight, it wouldn't have lasted... ah well.

in other news, i'm translating nana... the first volume.. just for the hell of it.. after that, we'll see.. problem with mangaco is that the stuff i want to t/l not many people in the network are interested in, lol.

anywayz.. looks like i can get to work after all... car repairs have been scheduled some other time... but i'm working clear through next friday so... @@;; but i'm feeling incredibly chatty... chit chit chit chat chat chat blah blah blah.. and out the door. ^^

successful manga unload at suzy's... check
successful lady kidnapping... check
successful familial indoctrination through photo album overdose... check

how much did i accomplish? much *_*

and it was a good day... got out of work early cuz i was literally asleep... it was a nice sunny day... so i was out at 6.. and since jica's cell was off (last thing i saw on the compy was mike leaving an irc message concerning dead cell phone.. and it's a good thing i checked... and even got a chance to check XD).. went to alicia's to pick up bill... and then trekked to uw at 6:30... and for ONCE!! i would have been on time to meet jess.. and even earlier.. XD but of course, i had to get there right exactly on time.. and this girl was nice enough to help... XD turning into uw from 45th on the right lane.. a white car who had been stock still 1-2 car lengths away from the gatehouse decided to change lanes.. right into me.. :/ and we were so close i had to climb over to the other side to get out XD being college students, we immediately got on our cell phones and called a few people... and my whack cell phone kept giving me disconnect signals when i dialed to 911... --; ah well. bad voicestream --; i tried talking to her a bit but she would just smile at me and walk off ^^; ah well.. my uncle came down to verify too.. :/ now our problem is actually getting in touch with each other --; uwpd called last night asking me to call her back cuz i didn't have her phone number.. i called uwpd last night cuz i didn't have hers --; but they said to call today... called again and they said to call tomorrow... i guess there's only one person working in their records department? ^^;;; on the up side, my mom doesn't seem to be mad.. in fact, she's being eerily nonchalant... @@ *waiting for the big explosion XD*

buuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuut now it's time to end my relationship with jica's compy.... it's time to say goodbye... ah, parting is such sweet sorrow... XD

i was actually dragged out of bed this morning to accompany my mother as she dropped my sister off at uw for her orientation... (thought: my little sister's growing up!!!) but i woke up more refreshed and in balance... i was back on my feet by mid-week last week.. but i teetered a bit over the weekend... weird. blah... weird crappy stuff lurked in familiar corners... and there's still the hint that i'm expected to live at home after this year... i'm trying to avoid saying "i want to move out" straight up to my mom cuz that would hurt her feelings... but what can i do... :/ i want to be on my own EVENTUALLY... --; i kinda need to.. needs mah own space..

but i made a brief confession to the person that i thought mattered most, concerning what it was... well.. besides the person it directly concerns.. but that's another story. i'd like to say i feel better for myself.. cuz i was feeling like a bitch for not saying anything.. :/ i've always felt that as long as you're not inconsiderate you're free to go after what you'd like.. but i gave up cuz i felt like i was being inconsiderate, given the situation.. and i've seen just how good the situation was.. and i've stopped thinking about it. ^^ as i've said, que cera cera.. i've stopped thinking. makes it lighter on my mind, and i can run and play and jump and skip like i always have. i've talked to a couple of people i knew online.. have a habit of knowing that.. but never talked to anybody who might know what i'm actually talking about, lol. bad habit of mine :/ i never used to be upfront about stuff.. some friends were scared cuz they could never tell when i'd be mad at them.. (i've said that a few times already).. but i would always deny negative or unapproved opinions or states of mind.. when asked "are you mad at me?" i'd brush it off, but still offhandedly say no.. now i do. i don't lie with direct questions anymore.. or at least i try.. cuz i don't like lying anymore. i just don't say anything... unless asked directly. and i've learned how nice it is to know which people to talk to about certain things that i can't just tell the whole world.

in any case, welcome to the world of blogging~ it's a nice nuff way to vent i've found.. and to just randomly talk to thin air (or what i thought was thin air, anyway).. and i still think you're cute. ^^ and the way my mom's associated it for me is through the phrase "you're not short. you're cute." ^^; but that's not the reason i'm saying it, lol.

btw... tRSi emailed back and said they were shipping out my first dvd today... ^^ i had pre-ordered the second and the third too this weekend.. ^^;; ah well.. can't wait to get it. all in all... things are good and things are balanced.. unfortunately, i'm only speaking for myself... but i'll be right here...

ask, and it shall be given you; seek, and ye shall find; knock, and the door shall be opened unto you: for every one that asketh receiveth; and he that seeketh findeth; and to him that knocketh it shall be opened [matthew 7:7-8]

well... you could say i wasted most of my afternoon.. or you could say i accomplished something... changing this layout XD though i know this would have been easy for a lot of people.. i'm proud to say that i sat this through 3 computer freezes/restarts... --; maybe i need more ram.. bleah..

karekano dvd update? still processing... *pout* i really want iiiiiiiiiiit. yes i do. some people got it as early as last week, i just found out. blah.. anywayz.. dinner time... XD